Is the Microphone on?

[LargoLaGrande]

Does anybody actually read this stuff? If so... I have a few works I think the general public would be interested in.

FIRST:

A Psuedo-Shakespearian sonnet I wrote for my English class last year:

*ahem*

ENGLISH Patrick Loveless
2006 Shakespearian Sonnets

While walking through the forest I saw you
with hair of gold and eyes of Celtic green,
and rosy cheeks and eyes of sailor's blue
The nicest thing on Earth I e'er seen.

So why, I wonder, did I draw my bow
and shaft an arrow, aiming at your heart
when you were harmless as a youthful doe?
T'was to your fragile flesh I fell apart.

To end my lust and passion and desire
I felt I had to damage perfection
or else my instinct would make me prespire
and do something... off civil direction.

And now, you're dead, and I quite do regret
slaying another human to relieve
the lustful thoughts conspiring in my head
which still are there, I can hardly believe!

For death is something great enough to keep
A poet writing manuscripts for weeks!

----------------------------------------------


NEXT:

A rap that I made for a rap contest. My objective was to blindly roast my opponent (who in this work was called "Crusad3r"). It's kinda weird, but try to read it anyway.



POSTED IN THE RHYMES AND RAPS THREAD BY DARKBLADE on either 51 or 52

1.Crusad3r is a sucker.
He works as a manure trucker.
He gets payed very little,
mebbe 10 cents and a Skittle.
He lives in a rotted cardboard box
with a mouse,a cat,a dog, and a fox
and in his spare time, he sells crack
that costs only, an arm and a back.
An arm and a back, an arm and a back,
He sells crack that costs only, an arm and a back!

2.Who says you need to use cuss in a rap
I've superiourized myself by not doing that,
but alas, Crusad3r is the cussing king
of AoKH, he's disgracing!
I can fight with a spear, with a sword, like a Hun,
but Crusad3r only has a weenie water gun!
A weenie water gun, a weenie water gun!
but Crusad3r only has a weenie water gun!
3.Now if you thought that was the end of my dity,
On Crusad3r I would now take pity,
For I saw him at the beach, do you know, what did I see?....
.................................................. ..
I saw him walking 'round in a 2-piece thong bikini!
2-piece thong bikini, 2-piece thong bikini,
I saw him walking round in a 2-piece thong bikini!


--------------------------------------------------------------

Next on the list:

A small plot that I used to audition for Sailor Jupiter at Eien Densetsu, an Anime RPG community. I didn't last long there.

Nonetheless, I can write:

It was the last day of school. Mako-chan had a good day. She had passed all of ther classes, as had her friends (even Usagi got a B or two), and so far, her walk home was peaceful...


...then out of the sky came the greatest nemesis she faced in her entire life: Attila the Hun.

The fight was inevitable, and imminent.
Jupiter and her enemy, Attila the Hun, were face-to-face, ready to fight.

"This day I will catch you with your own net, oh scarcely-clad one! By the power of Ares, you shall be fed to the dogs of Hades!" hailed the barbaric tyrant.

Jupiter's reply was no less empowering.

"Your strong words are useless, for I am Sailor Jupiter, and I will not let you wreak havoc upon this world!"

As the lightning sparkled in her eyes, Jupiter cried out "SUPREME THUNDER!" A large force of lightning gathered on the antenna of her tiara, and she cast a great lightning storm onto Attila!

But, oh no! The Great Hun stretched out his hand, and he merely caught the lightning bolts above him with an invisible shield.

Then, using the absorbed energy, he slashed Jupiter with a serrated sword.

"AAAAAUUUUUUH!"

As the teeth of the sword clawed into Jupiter's skin, drawing blood, a great electric shock ran through Jupiter's frame. She was severly electrocuted, and looked almost dead.

A darkness shrouded Attila and his defeated enemy. An evil grin spread across his face.

Attila took out his dagger, and slowly aimed it for her heart.

It pierced the air.

Then tore the shirt.

And just as it was about to reveal unholy blood and bone, the dagger conducted the electricity coursing throughout Jupiter.

Attila was shocked. Literally. He fell backwards, dead, with the dagger still in his hand.

Then, out of the darkness, a small smile came upon Jupiter's face.

"I win again," she whispered happily to herself.

[BBNoob]

I sped read all of these, but I've only looked at the first one in particular. I'm not a grammar whore so no worries there kiddo. (I won't call you that anymore, kiddo.

Your Shakespearian Sonnet is very weak, my first perception.

So why, I wonder, did I draw my bow
and shaft an arrow, aiming at your heart

You should use "older" english. "Aiming at your heart" isn't very well... Shakespearian, nonetheless the fact that it isn't very striking at all to start.

To end my lust and passion and desire
I felt I had to damage perfection
or else my instinct would make me prespire
and do something... off civil direction.

Lovely Rhyme... Direction and Perfection. =)

However, "I felt I" is particularly weak aside from the "my" which is only slightly out of place. Also, I think this particular stanza was written very weakly. Everything, so I'm not highlighting the little things....

Still Lovely Rhyme... Direction and Perfection -- I must say. =)

Oh yes about the second to last stanza... Dead and Head are very weak Rhyming Words Indeed. =)

Ok I'm tired now... ty for posting your lovely works.

~ Meow >"< ~

[LargoLaGrande]

Thank you for your commentary and advice.

This was only an assignment for my Honours English Class last year. I [i]was[\i] only a freshman.

Still... your criticism is appreciated. One always needs to know when he can improve.
So, thank you. And I'm glad you enjoyed my writing.

[legoman]

just got to say i love em all

[LargoLaGrande]

Thanks.

[kurosaki]

as much as i hate shakespeare ( doing hamlet in english not... going over so well) ur works are so much more clearer and might i say much better.
keep up the work.
Shakespeare & Orwell are overrated.